Tonight I wonder

Tonight I wonder... How does one manage not to let a lonely heart rule one's path? I keep finding myself involved in situations that are so absurd and incoherent... And the only reason is, that I let my lonely heart take over... My head and heart and not quite synchronized yet... It makes me wonder if they will ever be.

I seem to be in the presence of this man that can possible be the best ever... ... Everything about him is extraordinary... His presence is completely dominating... So close and yet so far... Could be mine and yet he is not... His stories go beyond anything I have ever imagined... Too good... Too good to be true... And yet I cant find a way to get to the bottom of this... His words... His voice... The way he acts... How he cares... How unselfish he is... His movements... His hands... His kisses... When he makes love to me... Such passion... Desire... Strength... And yet, it all seems so untrue and unrealistic... So insane...

And then when I feel weakest... He comes to me like GOD SENT... Could this be a sign??... I don't believe in signs... Yet once again he comes to me like GOD SENT... Maybe the sign is that I am not alone... That there is always an Angel around me... Maybe HE is not The Angel... Maybe he is just an angel...

Behold my heart... I don't feel sad or perturbed by his absence but by the absence of what he represents... My knight in shining armor, the opportunity to love and be loved again... My heart aches to love, to care, to give, to be... It bothers me that I let my heart go so easily instead of being aware, instead of taking care of something so precious... So incredible... So immaculate... So fragile... So vulnerable... So true... So pure... That can be broken so easily... And then its very difficult to piece together again... So How do I manage to not let my lonely heart rule my path? HOW?? COÑO HOW????? Insight... I should search my soul... Perhaps that love I long for is really inside of me already... And I haven't found it...Perhaps it comes from within me not from outside of me... I know myself to have this amazing capacity to love... Then why not love myself the same way? With the same intensity? With as much passion?? WHY??

My heart beats strong, firm, secure, steady most of the time... And yet I give away so easily... It wants so much to experience love ... To beat together with another... To be complete...

I have so many sources of love.... First my daughter Isa.... My family... My friends... My God.... Giving me unconditional love... And yet my heart aches... It cannot be that this love I receive is not enough... It cannot be that this love is not pure enough... It cannot be that this love is not strong enough... It cannot be that this love is not disinterested enough...It cannot be that this love is not mine enough... Maybe it is that I don't appreciate as much? Maybe it is that I don't cherish it enough? Maybe it is that I don't receive it openly enough??? Love comes in many ways... Love comes in many shapes.... Perhaps since all this love I receive doesn't come the way I desire it to come I am not aware of it? And I don't appreciate it enough?? Maybe so... Maybe so...

Tonight I wonder... It does seem that I have a few Angels in my path until The Angel comes around... And perhaps Angels is not the right word, but "afectos" maybe?... Different "afectos", different loves, to keep me company on my journey until my one true love comes around... Although thinking about it... One true love I've already got. ISA. She is True love and she gives me true love... Unconditional love... So maybe I do need to think about this... I seem to have a few right nows.... Until Mr. Right comes around... Isn't it funny?? Here I am sometimes feeling that my true love is taking so long to show up and true love I've already got... Stupid really... Really Stupid...

Marzo 15, 2004.